Musings of a Lover
by Aquiel
Summary: (P/C-TNG)My first adventure into the rhelm of P/C fanfic! based on a challenge issued in BonC


Note: This is what happens when *my* Muse gets in a mood. Response to a challenge: to write about the Picard/Crusher relationship from another person's POV.

This is my first P/C story, so I'd appreciate any comments you may have. Thanks for reading:-)

Aquiel

_Musings of a Lover_

July 14/99

©Kathryn Murphy

Good morning Enterprise...at least that's the way it should be. But, like many mornings before, the prospect of a new day only serves to bring back the painful feelings that I try to forget about every night.

Gods know it's been years since that day, at Starfleet Medical, when she walked in that room, and turned my life upside down, but my visions of her, at that moment are forever held in my heart. The way she carried herself, as she spoke with her team, even the way she casually turned her head, so her flaming red hair bounced lightly on her shoulders; those are the moments I remember best.

And when she looked my way? well, I almost lost it there. What I would have given to have had the courage to walk up to her that day, and take her in my arms, and kiss her, like there was no tomorrow.

But, instead, I smiled, as were the rest of her crew members, and I watched helplessly as she turned and walked away.

That was nine years ago now, such a long time for such a small event but to me it was only the beginning of what I intended to be a wonderful relationship.

For months after, I planned my schedule so I could be where she was just close enough to hear her soft voice and perhaps catch a glimpse of her beautiful smile every once in a while. It was enough, at the time, to satisfy my hunger for her but I knew one day things would be different.

I can remember, quite a while ago, someone told me she had been involved with another man; a starfleet officer, but I didn't catch his name. In some ways I'm glad I didn't, because I know it would only have caused trouble. 

Our time together at Starfleet Medical was wonderful; I cherished every day we spent, working side by side, but then one day something happened that would forever change my life: she left me.

Carried away by the prospects of a life in space, a life with *him* and all without saying goodbye. 

She thought she was getting away, but she was wrong. As usual. 

Fool.

But that was then, and this is now. And here I am, finally back where I belong; with my Beverly. She thought she could get away, just wait until she sees the surprise I left her last night. I'm sure I'll be hearing from her soon.

And that man she's with, Picard, a Captain in Starfleet. Could she do no better? I saw them together in the arboretum last night dancing too close, his hands tight around *her* waist. I should have been the one holding her like that, keeping her safe but instead I was the one stuck behind the trees watching with a broken heart, as Picard kissed my love. 

My Beverly was holding on to his hands, when he leaned in to kiss her and it took all my rationality just to keep from yelling out. But I didn't and I crouched back in my hiding place and watched as he danced her around the shining blue water holding her even closer than before.

And then I left.

I couldn't take it any more. Couldn't sit there, knowing what was about to happen and not being able to do anything about it. 

And as my luck would have it, they walked passed me on the way to their quarters. And she flashed me a surprised smiled out of the corner of her lips, but when I realized that her smile just didn't quite reach her eyes I began to understand that she had moved on.

So, I turned the other way, and returned to my assigned quarters, only a deck below theirs, with my heart as heavy as my footsteps and with that lasting impression-of my Beverly embraced in the arms of her Captain- I fell into bed.

And in my dreams, she was once again mine, and we were together, as I had always known we would be, but as they say, all good things must come to and end, and my dreams, unfortunately, don't last all day.

So, here I lay, staring at the cold, lonely ceiling in my quarters planning to re-pack, all that I had bothered to un-pack, because now I know, there is nothing for me here. As far as she's concerned, I no longer exist and her world revolves only around their life together. And although it's taken me a very long time, and I know I will never stop loving her, I realize now, that she will always belong right here.

Fine

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